To the Mamas of my Littles

Every year, as Mother’s Day approaches I think ONLY of my Liv’s mama.  The Mama across the globe that made me a Mama.  The one who carried my wee one inside of her before the tragic loss that led to that wee one becoming mine.

And this year, I have a new one.  A new mama to think of.  To wonder and dream about.

What would I say if I could sit across from them over a cup of coffee?  What words would I use if I could hold their faces and try to explain the depths of all of my feelings towards them?

Oh how I wish they knew their babies.

Mother’s Day is a weird one for me.  So full of gratitude and welling with pride over the gift that is my daughter.  And this year, so full of expectation as a daughter is coming closer to me by the day.  But also heavy.  Heavy because I celebrate my motherhood under the reality of the loss and separation of the originals, the ones designed to carry my daughters.  Loss for one brought life to me.  It’s a ground that’s not easily navigated.

And every time the name “Mama” comes out of my little one’s mouths, I am keenly aware of the weight of it.  I am theirs and they are mine, brought together by two beautiful souls alive somewhere on this earth, with an aching place in their own hearts.  It’s too much to comprehend at times.

I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

To My Liv’s mama,

Just putting those words on paper made the tears come uncontrollably.  Dearest Liv’s mama.  I believe that you gave birth to one of the most beautiful, smart, most kind and compassionate human beings on earth.  I am convinced with each passing day that surely YOU are one incredible woman.  You undoubtedly are beautiful and strong and stubborn because your little one came to me this way, these were not things I had to instill in her.  They were in her DNA.

She is simply breathtaking.

There are days that her compassion for others brings me to my knees.
She is as strong-willed as I am, and if she gets that from you then she comes from a long line of strong women.
She is a worshiper.  She loves Jesus, with her whole heart.
She is a servant, always looking for ways to put others before her.
She is as sassy as the day is long.
She is hilarious, quick witted and smart with her humor.
She is brilliant.  She is reading books that only kids much older than her dream of reading.  She consumes every word of every book.
She is curious and wants to know the meaning behind everything she sees.
She is creative and musical and athletic.  A triple threat for sure.

This list could be a mile long.
I wish that you could know her.  Oh how I wish you could.  You would be so proud of her.

I want you to know that I daily pick up the torch of being her mama with more pride than I did the day before.  It is my highest badge of honor to steward her little life, it is my delight.  But, I do not do so without thinking of you.  I think of you every day, this is the truth.  I do not parent while trampling over the fact that you are alive in this world.  It is an ever present reality to me.  It breaks my heart that you are alive, without her.  My heart aches over it.

But, I want you to know that I am doing my absolute best to shephard the beautiful gift that is Liv Nima.  I am carrying her to Jesus day after day, asking Him what she needs and simply doing what He says.  I trust Him with her.

Her life speaks of yours.  She has overcome so much in her tiny years.  She is walking evidence that nothing is too broken for Jesus;  that He can restore all things and make all things good.  She has come from death back to life.  Her little body has been healed, her heart has been loved and she is blossoming into who God made her to be.

And we are watching with wide-eyed wonder as she simply BECOMES.  It’s a sacred thing to be a by-stander to.

Dearest mama to our dearest Liv.  You are loved.  We honor you.  We honor the short time you spent with our girl.  We leave room for you in our world.  We are not afraid to celebrate you with Liv, to allow her heart to feel love for you, even without knowledge of who you are.  She will love you because we love you.

You are a part of us because she is a part of you.

Happy Mother’s Day Liv’s mama.  I can see the wide grin spread across what I imagine your face to look like…the same wide grin that I saw this morning before our little one opened her eyes.

-Liv’s Mama

To the mama of my lovely Esther,

I can not imagine the pain you felt when you turned and walked away that day.  From that spot where your daughter became mine and her future shifted forever.

I know the spot.  I’ve looked at it on a map and wept as I imagined that moment.

I know you were scared and I know you were doing only what you thought was best for her, and for that I am deeply indebted.

I have not met this daughter yet, the one you brought into this world, but I have seen her and I am in love.  She is the most beautiful little thing I have ever seen, probably as beautiful as you.  She has the biggest most beautiful almond shaped eyes, that are so deep you can get lost in them.  She has the sweetest grin and the cutest little chuckle.

She seems determined, and smart and independent.  All things that can make for an amazing woman one day.

And I know that your heart aches as you wonder about her special need, more than likely the thing that propelled you to seek a different future for her.  Rest assured that we are ready for it.  We have a plan and that plan will heal her.  We can not wait to see her fully restored, no longer defined by a deficit, with that in the rear view mirror and a brand new life ahead of her.

I want you to know that you are a good mama, the kind that fights for her little one.  The kind that sacrifices all in order to save the one she loves most.  I am honored to be parenting a part of you in 1 short month.  I am overwhelmed by the thought of having my arms around your legacy, the beauty that you brought into the world.

And I will love her as fiercely as she has ever been loved, with the exception of the love she undoubtedly recieved from you.  I will stand in the gap and be her mama, all the while honoring the place you have there too.

You are loved, Queenie’s mama, loved and respected and honored.  And so is your daughter.

-Esther’s Mama