Naughty & Brave

So friends, I have the honor AGAIN of having a guest on my blog today!

These guests this month have been so encouraging and challenging but they have also drawn attention to the fact that I am a social media stalker….it is a problem…

My Insta-friend Katelyn will be answering some questions today on the blog about parenting, adoption and loving a kiddo from a hard place!

I stumbled on Katelyn’s instagram in the middle of the night one night as I was wide awake scrolling through the #chinaadoption hashtag. Before choosing to adopt from China, this became a habit of mine….my heart was being pulled to China but I had so many fears about the special needs adoption route. I would scroll through picture after picture, almost looking for something that would settle my heart down and show me that I could do it! That I could parent a special need child! That China wasn’t too big and scary for me!

And Katelyn’s feed DID JUST THAT.

A. SHE’S GORGEOUS….like mama-model kind of pretty! Awesome style and an amazing sense of humor. I, of course, decided immediately that we would, in fact, be besties.

B. HER DAUGHTER, WILLA, IS STOP-YOU-IN-YOUR-TRACKS GORGEOUS. The hubby was instantly obsessed with little Willa, and you will be too!

C. Katelyn was honest in her posts. Honest about adoption and Willa’s special need, honest about the agony of the wait, the nerves about travel…the whole of it.

There wasn’t this puppies-and-rainbows feel to her instagram… I felt like she was giving me the real picture….or at least what can be shown on Insta….which I am well aware is a sliver of reality.

And there’s a truth we are going to pull from her interview today that I believe is so rich and so essential for our hearts, no matter if we’re mamas or not.

So, friends, meet my friend Katelyn Fuson. (@katelynfuson over on the ole’ Instagram)

Katelyn, tell us a little about you and your hubby’s journey into adoption.

My husband (Chad) and I decided to adopt in December 2013 after seeing a video for a non- profit orphan advocacy group during the intermission of a Christmas concert at the Ryman in Nashville. The non-profit was Show Hope started by Christian musician, Stephen Curtis Chapman and his family.We’d been married for about 3.5 years at his point and were not having success with starting a family biologically. Earlier that year, we had started down the medical route, but decided in late Fall to take a pause before considering IVF in 2014.

It was during that pause that God began to speak.

He spoke directly to each of our hearts as we watched the short video that December night, though neither of us mentioned anything about it until two days later.

On the Sunday following concert, we found ourselves listening to a sermon that “just so happened” to be on James 1:27. God wasn’t just going to “call us,” I think He decided to dazzle us a bit with His Goodness.

Still not really knowing if the other was thinking any of the same thoughts, we went to lunch just like every other Sunday. Over that meal, we spoke our thoughts to each other. We were suprisingly on the same page. And just before I had to leave to head to work, I asked Chad where he thought our child might be. He mentioned the video and said he assumed she was in China.

That statement must have been Kingdom’s cue, because, like clock work, a family we’d never met was seated directly beside our table. I looked over and noticed two black- haired beauties with their light-haired family. I looked more intensely. They were Asian. Of course they were, right? And then one-last glance unveiled an “only-God” moment like I’d never experienced before. They weren’t “a” family with adopted girls from China, they were “the” family… the Chapman family… the exact family from the video two nights before. I could barely breathe.

I had to leave.

Oh man, how amazing. One of the coolest things to experience is God speaking to you, by any means necessary, on behalf of the broken in our world. The fact that he “dazzles” us with His goodness and speaks to us in so many unique ways…paying special attention to detail…is amazing in itself. But it’s a whole other ball game when He is calling hearts to fight for justice, He will stop at nothing to get our attention, because He knows our obedience will equal a rescued life for the one He’s calling us to. SO GOOD…that will preach my friend.

So, fast forward to the day that you met Willa. Tell us a little bit about her and about that day.

“Naughty and Brave.” Those were the words given to described Yang Ling Xia on her orphanage file the morning she became our daughter. We laughed and worried a bit, so unbelievably-nervous about becoming parents. We definitely needed a little humor. “Naughty and brave,” I read those words over and over. Honestly, I was a bit relieved. She sounded more like a Fuson than I was ever expecting.

She sounded fun… and fierce… but also what was I getting myself into?!?

Now, knowing our Willa James Fuson, those descriptive words are humorously accurate, though I prefer “wild” to “naughty.” Sure, her antics get her into trouble every few minutes or so, but our Willa’s spirit brings undeniable light into every room, to every face. Seriously, it doesn’t matter if it’s checking out at the grocery store, Willa is making friends, including everyone, and exerting all of her opinions along the way.

She is incredible. I can’t believe I get to be her mother/I hope I survive being her mama.

Naughty (Wild) and Brave can be a world-shaking combination in the hands of Jesus! It takes a little wild and a whole lotta brave to chase after Jesus.

Willa’s special need was a cleft lip. Can you tell us what it was like to process that special need?

Finding out about and processing Willa’s special need was like cutting an onion in half.

There was no slowly peeling back the layers… there I was… open… exposed, and putrid. In the days after first viewing her file and seeing her photos, I felt like a truly crazy person. In moments, I was confident, excited, full of love and thankful for the amazing gift of this child.

Other moments, I was terrified, nauseous and completely unsure I was the right fit to walk with her down this road.

“She needs a mom who already has other kids and knows what they’re doing,” I would tell myself. “Most people wanting to adopt wouldn’t have any hesitation to adopt a baby that beautiful. I am scared. What’s wrong with me?”

For 8.5 days, I wrestled with God.

Chad and I were road tripping through Southern Utah for the majority of those long days. I remember looking up at the breathtaking mountains in awe of God’s design. “How Great Thou Art” continually played through my head, eventually resonating into my very soul.

I prayed… begged… for God to “just tell me” what to do. I was surrendered in a way I’d never experienced. Several days into the “decision” I had no agenda of my own remaining. All I wanted was an answer, I wanted peace. A yes or a no.

A week went by and I realized my YES from God, the peace, wasn’t going to come… neither was a NO. God spoke to my weary heart and told me we were going to have to make this decision “inside of the fear”, not on the other side of it. We would simply have to trust. Once I realized my “answer” from God wasn’t coming, it’s like I knew.

After all, we’d spent years watching God open doors in our adoption process. It didn’t make sense He was leading us into failure now.

So we made our decision.

This was our daughter.

We were not cleft and cranio-facial experts of any kind. But we were the ones God had chosen for this precious girl. With her huge brown eyes, thick hair, open gum line, protruding teeth, all of it, we were part of His plan for her life. Our decision was made, and instantaneously, there it was, the peace I’d been praying for. That was the beginning of me realizing how God would use the adoption process not only to unite parents and a child, but to work in my soul like never before, to build a trust in Him I would so-desperately need.

My heart resonates so much with you on this. Esther’s special need rocked me to my core, like you said, BAM there I was open and exposed…and what was showing were some gross beliefs and fears…it was not pretty. I love the way that God causes all of the things that don’t reflect His heart to come to the surface for us to deal with.

So often we are praying for “peace”…for God to split the heavens and write on stone YES or NO. We are so not into the tension of a decision. We want to know the answer, but not only that, we want to see the full picture…to the end…with a guarantee that it will all work out. I know, in my own life, there are times that the Lord so gently (sometimes not so gently) reminds me that I need to stop seeking the answer and REMEMBER TO SEEK HIM.

And Jesus’s answers are never what ours would be. He’s just not like us….duh.

Ok, so let’s talk China. What was the transition to becoming Willa’s mama like?

People told me our time in country would later seem like a blur. They said just to get through it, show her as much love as possible, survive, and get home. All of that advice went in one ear and out the other for me. I’d waited so long to be a mom, I was ready to DO THIS. I was ready to love her like crazy and surely have her love me in return.

REALITY CHECK.

Willa screamed the moment she was handed to me. I kept my cool because so many people were watching around us. I somehow felt calm even amidst her screams. I realized she was scared, and I felt compassion for her in that moment.

The hardest parts of our time in China would come later.

About 24 hours into our time together, Willa went from a wide-eyed, mostly-smiley little girl to possessive and scared. I realize now she was simply trying to find a bit of control in a world that was completely unfamiliar, but at the time, her choice to withdraw from me completely was heart breaking.

Especially since the one thing she clung to for life was her daddy.

How could she choose him?? I was the one who was trying to hard. I was her mother!
But the harder I tried, the more she withdrew.

I wrote an email to our home study social worker back home. She would know how to make Willa love me. She wrote back immediately. She said she wasn’t surprised. I remember reading her email: “it might get worse before it got better…” and “she only has room in her heart to love one right now” and “we needed to just give her time.”

I wanted a fix.

The rest of our time in China did see some improvements in Willa’s ability to tolerate me, but that was about it.

She never trusted me. She never wanted me. It was hard. It was unexpected.

But when we got home, everything changed.

This right here, I want to spend some time here.

I will never forget the moment I realized that most of my “mama issues” after coming home with Liv were totally tied to parenting from a selfish perspective. Not that I was intending to be selfish, but that I was viewing Liv and our relationship, and all the ins and outs of parenting a little one from hard places, through my needs, my emotions and my inadequacies. I viewed our hard days as “my fault”, felt that I wasn’t enough, that she must know I’m not her “real” mama. (what am I fake?? I know now how silly this lie is) I had really hard days, even years after being home, where I felt like I was parenting from the second-seat…unable to fill the space of her true mama.

UNTIL I realized that I had a few things out of whack in my heart. My needs needed to be met by Jesus alone. All the voids that existed could not be filled by my child…that was unfair to her. My identity and sense of self and value could not ebb and flow with the ever-changing emotions of a toddler.

And also, that my little loves issues: her processing her new reality, her dealing with the loss of all she had known…HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Being 10 days away from having my QueenE placed in my arms I am more aware of this reality than ever: SHE MAY GRIEVE. She may kick and scream and cry… she may be terrified. Or she may clam up, shut down and withdraw. Or, who knows, she may run into my arms like on the movies and proclaim MAMA…. highly doubtful.

No matter what goes down in that moment…IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. I want to give her the space she needs to do whatever it takes to grieve and mourn…to deal with the obvious loss that is happening in that very moment.

I will not allow the enemy to define my abilities in that moment. I will bravely hold my hands out, ready to receive her, NO MATTER WHAT.

I am thankful that Jesus has taught, and is teaching me, how to do this. So thankful beyond belief.

AND KATELYN…WHAT A HERO YOU ARE….to take that baby and love her from a distance those 2 weeks in country. To decide, amidst all the heart ache…that you would love her in any way you could. You earned the OBVIOUS ride-or-die status you have with Willa now.

And doesn’t that look so much like Jesus?

Ok Katelyn, one more question. What has Willa taught you about parenting?

Willa, and the process of becoming her mom, has made me feel humbled to parent in a way I’m not sure I would have experienced biologically. No part of her inexplicable greatness can really be attributed to me. I didn’t “do” or “make” any of her. I simply get to be her mom. It’s incredibly humbling.

The way she cuts her eyes, her scratchy voice, it’s all so amazing and none of it is by my design. Still, her assertive personality, her head-to-toe silliness, theirs no doubt in my mind God chose her for us. So I guess you could say we are just in awe, of her… of the Creator… and of how He knit our stories and our souls for one another.

Friends…WHAT DID I TELL YOU? Isn’t she amazing.

I want to leave you with a few truths to take for the road:

Let’s be challenged to open our eyes and ears up to God in a new and fresh way! How may he be speaking to you? What is he calling you to? You can be guaranteed that if He is calling you to something…it will be about others, about people…and He will give you EVERYTHING you need to do it!
Are we seeking an answer instead of Jesus? Are you desperate for a YES or NO? Are you clawing for a “GO THIS WAY …NOW GO THAT WAY” and not getting it? Don’t panic. Don’t fight with all of your might to decide what the answer is. REST IN THE TENSION of this. Those who WAIT on the Lord will be renewed. Seek HIM in this season. He wants our hearts more than He wants us to feel comfortable.
We all need to be a little WILD and a lotta BRAVE to be followers of Jesus. Don’t set your life up to be safe and comfortable and to make sense…thats a sure fire way to work Jesus right out of the equation. His call on our lives is never in the name of our safety and comfort…He is always in the space that requires us to be BRAVE.
We all, like Willa, and Esther, and my little Liv, have tasted the sting of grief as God calls us out of all that we’ve known into a new place. Just like the Israelites, who only knew slavery, as they were walking into freedom, continually glanced back over their shoulder and wondered if “Egypt” would be a better option than all this wandering, than all of this unknown. It’s a knee-jerk response to hold with a tight grip what’s comfortable and predictable, what’s known…even if it’s not best for us or God’s design for our lives. Even if it’s slavery…we know it..it feels safe. Lean into the grieving of “what was” and look with expectancy to “what is coming”. God is faithful to bring you from one place to another, don’t look over your shoulder anymore.

I hope that you, like me, felt a breath of fresh air as you read Katelyn’s interview. It was refreshing and so honest, filled with the thumbprints of Jesus.

Make sure you check out her Instagram @katelynfuson…. tell her her bestie sent you.