Bitter Sweet & The In Between

On it’s way right now, sailing over the seas and the thousands of miles between us and our Queen-E is a care package, a gift, packed full of things JUST FOR HER.

We included photos of us, her mama, her papa and her big sis Liv.  We filled a book up with fun pictures of us as a family, her new house, her new dog…all of the things that are waiting for her on the other side of this long and drawn out process.

But I must admit to you that this gift, it was a hard one for me to send.  No matter what I added or how I arranged it in the box, it just felt cheap.  It fell severely short in my heart. I couldn’t place why this care package was making me an actual crazy person.  I put it off for 2 weeks…staring at the pile of things I had gathered but not getting enough nerve up to put it together and send it.

But why?  I couldn’t put a finger on the reason for my stalling.

And that’s what friends are for….right?  Besties know the way to directly pierce through the junk and tell it like it is, as mine did at the end of long, emotional text rant to her:

“…it may seem like it’s not enough…”

Nail on the head.  That was it.

This gift simply didn’t feel like enough.

How could I send such a small gift when I know what I really want to give, what my arms are aching to provide: an entire life filled to the brim with goodness and care and more than is needed for one little person’s heart.

That’s what I wanted to put in that box and send around the world.  All of it.

But instead, I gathered a photo album, a “lovey”, a baby doll, a book and two push cars with precious little eyelashes…girly and perfect.

And then I wrote her a note.  Praying it would not be lost in translation, literally:
Dear Fei Yue,

We love you so much.  You are the most beautiful little girl we have ever seen.  We can not wait until you are in our
family.  Hold tight, we are coming soon.

Love,

Mama, Papa and Liv
All the tears.

Hold tight, we’re coming.

That’s all I could think to say to the littlest love of my life…as I imagined her opening this box and being a tad confused by the contents.  All I could think was to tell her we are coming, soon.  Even though not soon enough.

At FedEx, I fought back crocodile tears as the woman asked me for the address and location for the shipment.  She asked me what it was for and I felt the tears coming as I tried to explain that I had a daughter in China and I was sending her a gift.  A daughter I haven’t met yet.  She just smiled…she could see the break coming so she rushed to complete the process.

I got in the car and LOST ALL OF MY COMPOSURE…I’m talking an ugly-face kind of crying…the deep kind that begins to cleanse the soul.

What in the world was going on?!  Why was this small gift such a big thing in my heart?

I now know why.

In a week or so, when my second darling opens this box, life as she knows it will come to a screeching halt as she sees for the first time her new family.  What she knows now, that will begin to change and take shape around the new knowledge, of a coming family that looks nothing like her.  She will smell our scent on the lovey, play with the cars, study our faces and listen as someone reads her the letter.

And she will here us say we are coming soon.

And then, in an instant SHE WILL KNOW.

SHE WILL KNOW who we are.

And that moment will begin the beginning of the bitter sweet.  The beginning of the loss that will give way to gain, to life, to beauty, to destiny, to hope and a future.

But loss must come.  It has already come for my wee one.  The greatest loss of a family of origin.  Plan A for her little life failed her.

But now, another loss.  Loss of all she has known.  Her family (orphanage workers).  Her friends. (other orphans)

We are in the in between.  Where the bitter is not yet sweet.

But we expectantly hope for the sweet.  We know that it’s coming.  We know the whole picture, we see what Jesus is doing.

But we also acknowledge the bitter.  We are content to dwell in the loss and the life, the then and the now.

We are keenly aware that Esther has experienced great loss, and that loss will continue until her heart is healed and she fully understands what family means.

Until then, we are committed to the in between.  To the waiting, the praying, the expectation.  To the surrender, trust in the Holy Spirit to give us what we need, what she needs.

We will not fight against the feelings of bitter and we will fully dance in the joy of the sweet.  Both can exist at the same time…and it can still be good.

Hold tight my darling E, we are coming soon.

 

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Death and loss give way to life.

If you find yourself in the in between, in the bitter but not yet sweet, don’t be swallowed up in it.

If we are to pick up our cross and follow him, the pre-requisite is to lay our own lives down…to kill them…to die to ourselves.

Death and loss make room for new life.

The sweet is coming.  That you can trust.  Jesus will make the bitter sweet.

Don’t rush it.  Lean in, discover what exists in the in between.

Suffering, loss, brokenness, grief…these are all things our Jesus knows quite well.

So count yourself blessed to be counted worthy to carry such a season.